Life As We Know It?

Hello, and welcome to the latest issue in a series of chick flicks that hate chicks. How the Hell Josh Duhamel ever got hired to be the next Matthew McCaughnehey is beyond me. The guy is the human equivalent of a couple slices of untoasted bread with some cold butter inside. The dude is just not ...


And that movie poster is not helping. I still can't believe he beat out Ashton Kutcher in a modelling contest. Moving onto the actual character in the film without commenting further on the actor playing him, who -- as a super jerk fits the requirement of male leads in romantic comedies (the character, not the actor of course) -- is one of those men who only exists in movies and gets every woman he wants. Like many leading ladies in romantic comedies, who are portrayed as insouciantly uptight, bitchy or plain-old deceptive and massively insecure doormats [sometimes both], Katherine Heigl suits up for the role as cleverly as she did the last time. Apparently the writers of this film thought they could shy away from standard plot protocol by splitting the final "I shouldn't've said those things, let's spend our lives together instead of moving on to fulfilling or enlightening prospects which we could achieve if we ended this dysfunctional nonrelationship" scene into multiple parts, b/c the audience would NEVER expect them to follow the usual story arc ultimately.

I would insert a rubric for how to make a romantic comedy here, but I'm pretty sure I've got a post of synonymous content elsewhere. I think the problem with this film is that it's not funny. (I still can't believe I'm using the word film.) In the very least, I had hoped to get in a couple of laughs or even a grin, but that was not to be the case, and I must attribute any enjoyment I experienced to my slowly developing fetish for listening to other people laugh at unfunny jokes. You would think that after 27 Dresses hit the fan women would've already learnt that spending anymore time with someone who lies to them, makes a booty call on a date with them and publicly humiliates them isn't worth their time, their money or their self-respect? But no. Self-respect is for uptight bitches who will never marry and pump out children, who will take up every moment of their hitherto highly valuable time. Such a fate is sold as the worst fate of anybody who ever existed in a romantic comedy. And that's "life" as we know it.

The Auteur (2008)

I can't believe I just watched a documentary about the pornographer Arturo Domingo: The Auteur. I grew up with the gal who plays Fiona. Out of curiosity, I wanted to see what her acting was like, I wanted to know if I should be envious. Regretfully there does not appear to be an adequate establishment for the relationship between Fiona and Arturo. He is a man who seizes whatever ugliness, whatever taboo element and makes it gorgeous -- yet he still embodies ugliness and desperation, himself. Drunk and stoned Arturo appears before his ex-wife, trying to sweep her off her feet with a narrative about the futility of alcohol and orgies. And oh wait-- she's already remarried! [I know, hardly an overture.] The scenes between the two characters suggest some chemistry, but I cannot tease out the back-story of their relationship from their interaction. I don't sense that these two characters have even had a previous relationship with one another. The full film is available for viewing here: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0906319/

Rob Reiner Rant

I've read the script, watched it and acted out various scenes at the request of directors and teachers. I know that AFV thinks it's one of the best romantic films of all time, but I absolutely hate When Harry Met Sally from beginning to end. It's a bad script, it's an ignorant premise. The dialogue is trite bullshit that only someone with a lack of imagination and social tolerance could love, let alone bear. The timing of the film makes you want to stick a metronome up the ass of the producer, who is no longer available for taking it up the ass with a metronome (except on South Park). It's just stupid. It's not romantic and it's not even funny. I didn't laugh once; I waited the entire film for Harry and Sally to get it on, and when they actually did, it was so anti-climactic that as a result of my despising both of them -- I swore I'd never let Rob Reiner waste my time again. Why am I writing this here? Because if you hate When Harry Met Sally as much as I do, I want to hear from you. The question of this movie's potential for humor and romance should certainly be a match question on a dating site.

I've been invited to the pre-screening of Flipped tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it: the idea of a coming-of-age love story does not appeal to me, nor does a coming-of-age story in general terms. The last coming-of-age movie I could tolerate was The Wackness, and that's only because Peck is a pretty gnarly dramatic actor when it comes down to it. Ben Kingsley, too. But the reason I liked it was almost entirely due to the stoner comedy, the sex, the drug references and the 90s (which is pretty much the same thing, when you think about it). And some of it was funny. Anyways, since I have no expectations of enjoyment for Flipped, I figure I'm in the best place for reviewing this film.

Letters to Juliet : Heroine Overdose

Dear Hopeless Romantics and gush-aholics,

Please be sure to steer clear of this film. As your fearless leader and in some senses, supreme leader, I advise you to see another movie -- Iron Man 2 perhaps? I don't like the arguing, because I cannot figure out WTF Pepper is saying half the time or what they're even arguing about. She seems to start arguing in medias res, and the wind pressure alone would have killed her in the end, making Iron Man's valiant rescue of Pepper a violent death, but let's not niggle over details. It's hellah more romantic than Letters to Juliet. Every aspect of Letters to Juliet is symptomatic of what is wrong with how people view romantic relationships. If it's not good and it doesn't fit in your life, the best rule of thumb is to let the fuck go. Literally, let the fuck go. It might be a good fuck, but...it's best to let it go.

I was in the theater with people sighing and saying "Oh she's cheating," under their breaths, when Sophie kisses Charlie. Yeah, that was their idea of "cheating." Mm-hm. Anyways! What I don't like about this film is not that I could have written the dialogue in a sleepless stupor at 5am, but that it teaches people that in order to find the love of your life, you must a) cheat on your significant other or b) return to some far off remote place fully delusional that he will be the exact person you knew when you loved him. Long lost love Lorenzo says, "When it comes to love, it's never too late." Yes, sometimes it is. People change, people! I guess it's not too much of a spoiler to inform you that there is indeed a Romeo and Juliet scene.

OTOH: this film represents the culmination some serious method acting on behalf of both Franco Nero and Vanessa Redgrave, which is reason alone to watch this film, if I still haven't dissuaded you.

Night and Day

I know what the title of the movie is and the title sucks, b/c there is no parallel between "day" and anybody else in the movie. But carrying on. . . welcome to the highlights of the latest issue in a series of chick flicks that hate chicks -- as Dave White would put it. Nevermind the all-too-ridiculous/predictable ending of the film that's almost more inconceivably stupid than Adrien Brody's sex scene in Splice was exploding with WTFness. [Or maybe I was exploding with WTFness? O.o] My favorite part of Knight and Day is when Cameron Diaz starts talking about how she wants to have sex, how good it would feel, and then Tom Cruise cuts in with something like,"Are you on drugs?" And she's like, "Yeah." I'm sure there are a few people who could identify with that scenario without the actually-being-on-drugs part.

Earlier on in the film she convinces herself she's on a romantic date with him, while she has inadvertently boarded a plane undergoing a hostage take-over. Of course she has no idea, because she's busy primping herself for an impromptu date, while he's busy killing everyone on the plane; and of course she doesn't notice, b/c she has to fix her hair. If this isn't an oblivious depiction of the American female, I don't know what else is. He has to interrupt the love scene to inform her that he killed the pilots, that the plane is crashing, that some of them killed each other too and sh*t like that just happens; and then she starts laughing hysterically, because she doesn't believe him nor see any of the dead bodies surrounding her. Being a female in a mainstream romantic comedy makes her oblivious to such trivialities, of course.

Then we the audience start laughing hysterically too, because the circumstance isn't really that serious anyways, and the realization that it's not really that serious is actually quite hilarious as well. (Don't think so? It's probably not the film for you. But you knew that already, or I did.) But the ending of the film leaves you with such a horrible impression of the screenwriters and the studio that you keep hoping they're going to back out with some crazy Repo Men-like twist that you could see from a mile away (or in my case...from the moment that Forest Whitaker starts talking about that novel neural network stimulation shiznit.)

Fear and Loathing, Las Vegas

I imagine that having the exact drugs referenced in the film at the time of viewing would remove any viewing challenges and make the film more soothing.

Moview Review: Chloe

The film is not as bad as the critics say it is: it's not that it's trite, it's just uneventful: first she lies about having sex with the husband, then they have sex, then she dies and the other lady romps around with her hair piece. The end.

See, uneventful.

That said I'm thrilled Seyfried actually acted in this movie. She portrays a sort of unexpected villain that reveals herself in expressions and turns of eye that can make you think twice, "Maybe she didn't just become an actor cuz she has blonde hair, blue eyes and possesses a size-zero body. Maybe. But nah." And then you don't know what to think, because the movie doesn't end anywhere, according to Ebert. I agree with him there, but I cannot condone the use of confusing props like hairpieces and shit. That sort of thing belongs in a Disney romantic comedy about two Americans who fall in love in Rome for no particular reason after unfunny things happen that people find funny.

It's Complicated

'The only word that can be used for this super-duper movie, It’s Complicated is- “outstanding”. I wish I could have words, so that I could have explained all what I felt while watching this movie.' - from http://www.mister-wong.com/user/ryan099/

LOL. I didn't actually view this film. I read the script of it; but that's quite enough.

Do Not Do as the Romans (When in Rome)

I am going to repeat what Roger Ebert said about Ocean's Thirteen: "This movie is so stuck up on itself, it won't even ask itself out on a date." Neither Duhamel or Kristen Bell hold my attention for longer than ten minutes seconds, before I start thinking about how I am going to write a review without apologizing for having seen the film. But I won't apologize for having seen the flick. When you watch movies like this, you know what you're getting into. And I'm starting to think that I have a fetish for bad movies. I just like to go and see the badness played out in all its commercial mediocrity. I don't know if I so much laugh at the unfunny jokes-- Duhamel's character's cell phone going off in the middle of a wedding (as if that were hilarious... HAHA) -- or if I go to laugh at the people who laugh at these jokes.

Also, maybe it's just me but Josh Duhamel is not attractive looking. I don't know how he got in this film for any other reason than that he was a fashion model. But not even that warrants his being "attractive." He just doesn't do it for me. But Dax Shepard OTOH is crazy hott. Ironically Bell's character is most repelled by him, while she's been dating him for the past three years in real life. Don't ask me how i know that! I just make it my business to know who Dax Shepard is dating at any one time. I loved him ever since Let's Go to Prison, which was far more hilarious than this film.

The Date That Would Live in Infamy

I wish I knew that Roman Polanski was a rapist before attending The Ghost Writer tonight. NO, I haven't been living under a rock, I swear. I just forgot while I was catching up on my AFV's-Top-100 (and thus watched Chinatown) that *that* Roman Polanski was the same as that *other* Roman Polanski.

Mr Richard Roeper said that Polanski's film reminds him of Hitchcock movies. But I think that Richard Roeper needs to actually *see* some Hitchcock before he makes comparisons. I for one, have seen every Hitchcock film -- some multiple times, obviously. And this -- well, barring from a somewhat obvious relevation at the end of the movie hardly has the twists and turns or interesting-factor that would hurl it into the Hitchcock status. I admit I saw Macgregor with his shirt off and I looked, but that's because I have a redhead fetish, not because I thought it was a terribly good film. I'd give it 79% out of 100%. It did, however, make me feel even more certain in my life goal of a) running a beach resort/inn on martha's vineyard, and b) joining the CIA, after I marry the prime minister of Ireland. What?

I saw Shutter Island. Needless to say, it was predictable. You kind of pretty much get the sense that it is really all in his head, and you don't trust any of the set up. Maybe I've seen too many suspense thrillers, or maybe, just maybe, it was not the novel filmgoer experience everyone thinks it is. The other objectionable thing about this movie was the presence of Mr Highfalutin-I'm-A-Serious-Actor-Not-like-they-got-today-but-like-Bogart-type-serious-actor-look-at-me-I'm-so-serious Leonardo DiCaprio. I know that the film was originally written for Pitt in the lead. I wondered to myself, whether I would have had more tolerance for the picture with Pitt in the lead; it certainly may have been more believable. I just cannot see Dicaprio with three kids. I simply cannot.